I have struggled at times with Sahara-sized dry periods brought on by my inability (unwillingness?) to accept gracefully the circumstances in which the Lord has placed me.
I have been ashamed of that and have not wanted to write about it -- it seems such a poor witness. But I now see that when the Lord pushed me into admitting the truth, it was the first step toward a solution (healing?).
After identifying the problem for what it was – rebellion and resentment – I was able to tell the Lord that I wanted to dig that particular root of rebellion all the way out. At least I had the good sense to know that I didn’t want to knock the head of th plant off and look good on the surface. I wanted to get rid of the whole ugly thing.
So I asked the Lord to dig another shovelful of dirt away from the root.
Until that moment, I had been working on the premise that I had to conquer my rebelliousness by myself before God could possibly bless me. And I had refused to ask for help. I had forgotten that His saving grace is the only thing that can be victorious over my sinful nature.
Scripture says we are to transformed by the renewing of our minds. There I was trying to make myself a new person by renewing my own mind and that is something only God can do.
But when you give Him permission to work in your life, you can be sure He will.
His first response was to remind me of a simple, homely truth. It is easier to pull a root out of the ground when the soil is wet.
I had been, as it says in Psalm 63, like a dry and thirsty land. It is certain that I needed water, but I had been trying to water by digging a well all by myself.
Tears of repentance are the only water I can produce. And they are a necessary part of the renewing process.
But the primary source must be the spring of living water that wells up inside simply because Christ is there. As I let the barriers down, I began to experience the outpouring of His refreshing love.
He did not wait for me to deal with my faults. While I was still a sinner, He loved me.
Then I confessed my struggle to some in my church and asked for the help of their prayers.
How foolish I had been to go on so long alone. No sooner did they hear of my need than they began lifting me up. And everywhere I turned I found assurance of God’s saving initiative, of His love in action.
Then, when I was sure again of God’s love for me, a love deep enough and wide enough to wash away all my sins, He pointed out my specific problems to me. I identified jealously and selfish ambition at work in me.
I confessed this as sin and asked the Lord to forgive me – and to change me, to set me free from the power of those emotions so I might delight in His will for me.
It’s a process. It’s happening as I write. After all, He said he came to set the captives free and He keeps His Word.
